Signature Cocktail: The Meltdown

I had my first full-fledged bridal meltdown last weekend!  Wheee!

While sipping on gin & juice, the unexpected drink of choice for this summer o’ wedding madness, I walked out of a party mid-conversation and cried my eyes out on FH’s shoulder.  I can trace it back to the wedding, and the stress of planning, since the time the wedding planning takes is time I would otherwise use for writing, but the meltdown began as “I hate my job” and unravelled into “I have no time to write and I’m so unhappy”, and very soon was just a puddle of frustration.

See, I work in freelance commercial production and the jobs last 2-3 weeks at a time.  During that time, I work 12-15 hour days, and in the time between it’s expected that you have NO boundaries.  If someone wants you to be stay at work until midnight, you do it.  You sell your entire life to the job when it’s happening.  I have no union, I get no overtime, no designated lunch breaks, and no real guarantee of future work.  Hollywood!

Normally, I could stagger my jobs and allow time in between to write and work on my own projects.  But this past year we’ve been saving money like crazy for The Big Day, and I’ve been stacking jobs back to back.  If I enjoyed my work, this wouldn’t be SO bad, because I like being very busy.  Unfortunately– hold on to your wine glass– I don’t enjoy my job.  I like the people I work with, and I like the film industry, but I mainly sit at a desk and do paperwork, which is what I was trying to avoid doing with my life.  The worst part is, I don’t want to go any further up the ladder in this field, and all of my peers are starting to do exactly that.  I probably could have moved up over a year ago, and now my competitive nature is getting the best of me.  I have reached an impasse, and the wedding has to be over for me to move forward…

To top the whole mess off, at this party, my BFF & MOH who had driven down from SF after having her heart suddenly and completely broken, was holding her shit together just fine.  Epic fail on my part. “Waaahhh I’m so busy planning my awesome wedding & I feel so lost!! Comfort me!!”  She didn’t see it that way, but… seriously?

Thankfully, the meltdown had nothing to do with the vows I’m about to swear for ever and ever.  I’m still really psyched about those.

classic wedding stress dreams

About 6 months ago, after the betrothed and I had made our guest list, found our venue, and set a date, the wedding stress dreams nestled in our bed with us and set up camp in our sleeping brains.  He says he has them every night. (alarming.)  I average 2 per week, that I can recall.

Last night it was like my psyche wasn’t even trying: I put on my wedding dress and it’s a short, pink, fluffy, ruffly mess.  But the show must go on.  Uh-oh!  We haven’t written our vows!! Now I have to spend the whole dream trying to find my soon-to-be husband to write our vows without him seeing me in my revolting dress.  CLASSIC.  After months of these silly nightmares, you’d think they’d get more interesting. (Am I really that worried about my dress?)  If I watch Game of Thrones before bed, I’d like some baby dragons or frozen zombies thrown in there.

Spice it up, sub-conscious.